Blessings

I got a new job yesterday. I’ve been hoping to hear back from these people for a while and then they called and asked me to come in Monday for an interview. This was unfortunately during my Monday morning midterm so I had to finish that quickly to get to the interview on time. I got hired on the spot. So while my grade might suffer a little in PBI, it was worth it.

I’m also helping teach the three-year-old bible class at church on Wednesdays. Its one of my favorite times of the week. I have about 5 kids and they are so funny. Listening to the other teacher teach is funny too. For Noah, the message she told the kids was, “What happened to all the bad people who didn’t obey God?” to which David enthusiastically responds, “They died!” and so the teacher replies, ” That’s right, they died, so we all want to be good and obey God or else we will…” At that point she seemed to realize that was not really what she wanted to be telling a bunch of three year olds so she muttered something unintelligible and took out coloring sheets for the kids. Last week for Abraham she asked the kids if they loved God enough to move away from their house and David quickly replied, “No!” She told him she thought he probably did and he yelled more emphatically, “No I don’t!” The other four kids found this amusing and started a chorus of, “I don’t love God!” I would have laughed if I weren’t afraid the teachers in the rooms adjacent to us might hear and have us lynched. For sure, I do not think its funny for anyone to say they dont love God, but these kids are 3 and I appreciate David’s honesty, and the other children aren’t event hinking about what they are saying, they are just enjoying trying to out yell the kid next to them. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to teach well, but after watching this class I think three year olds are not a bad age to start learning how to teach on. They are too young for us to do too much damage and teaching them makes you really learn to get at the heart of a story.

Hide-and-Go-Seek

It seems that I can’t sleep much lately. My dreams have taken a turn for the worse but most nights I can’t even go to sleep until after four. I think its because I know the sun will be up soon and I sleep better with light. I sleep on the couch in my living room because its right under a big window. My bed in my room is in a corner and it reminds me of the basement in my grandparents house where I used to sleep. Its so dark there that whenever I tried to wake myself  from a dream I couldnt. I would dream of myself crawling across the floor and then crawling up the stairs and finally trying to get the door open so that I could be in the light and wake-up. Sometimes I just dreamed of it, and sometimes I woke up on the stairs or Mema would find me laying in the dining room floor and wake me up. I dont remember if I ever told her why I was there. Probably not.

I dreamt last night that I was leaving a wedding and going to the reception. It was being held at a botanic garden. The bride was one of three sisters and she and all of the younger attendents changed into bathing suits and went to the back of the gardens where there was a small waterpark. The older crowd stayed in the gardens for their own party. I told the blonde bride that it was a really cool idea to rent the place nad she remarked that it was so small she didn’t know why they charged so much for it. The place was surrounded on three sides by steep hills and the only way in or out was through the gardens.

I went to a wave pool first with Crystal and Kara. I saw some friends from church here in Memphis and went over to talk to them. I hadn’t been anticipating swimming at the reception and had to borrow a suit from the host. I went back to Kara and Cryss and asked Cryss to borrow her board shorts because I wasn’t adequetly shaved enough to be wearing a bikini. Kara commented loudly that that was gross. I glared at her but a few people nearby had already heard and had moved away. Cryss loaned me the shorts and I left the wave pool before I decided to drown Kara.

I was playing on some of the other rides when I ran into a blonde headed guy hiding behind a water slide. He was really nice and I asked him if I could join him and his friends in their game. He was playing with about 50 other people. We’d been having a good conversation til I asked that and then he got very closed off. He asked what club I was in during college and I told him none, my club had died. He said that was a shame and that he was sorry and tried to leave but I caught up with him and followed him into a solarium where all the kids had rejoined. He told me again that I should go but a blonde headed girl looked at him like he was crazy and said of course I could play. I thought it was hide ang go seek  but there wer rules to it like Mafia. They said them so fast and the named and job requirements where vocalized in vocabulary that was new to me. Once finished everyone put there heads down and 15 people started to count. People around me started to slip out of all the glass doors inthe rotunda but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. The blonde haired guy grabbed my arm and pulled me out of a door so I unserstood I should hide. I slipped out of his grasp and ran off to hide on my own because its easier to go undetected that way.

I climbed up one of the hills and hid behind the front line of trees so that I could watch the seekers leave the rotunda. There were so many people in the park though that I soon lost sight of many of them except for three that were chasing a boy up the hill I was hiding on. I got on my belly in the grass and watched them tackle him just before the first line of trees about ten yards away from me. A girl sat on him while her two partners collected large stones and handed one to her. They then began crushing the boys head in. The thing about my dreams is that they are gory. You see the blood and you hear the bones crunching and the squishy noise his head makes near the end of their stoning. Thats why I dont like going to sleep.

I understood now why the blonde haired guy didnt want me to join the game. I decided to find him then. For some reason even in the midst of the crowd I was acutely aware of where he was at all times. I ran down the hill towards him but at the last minute veered to the left because I knew the three seekers had probably seen me run off and I didn’t want to get the blonde haired boy killed with me.

Then I woke up.

Snail Dream

I was at a church and the women were playing a game outside. They were tossing clams and sea snails into a brass basin in the center of the circle. I never quite figured out what the point was but they insisted I play anyway and gave me a sea snail. I went to the center basin and found a very pretty shell and before I could blink the snail had switched to the new shell which was to small for it. I was afraid it would dry out before I could find it a good shell and the women told me to put it in my mouth. When I refused they tried to force me to and so I spat it out into the basin and went inside.

Church was baout to start and I hadn’t seen Joel yet. He came in right as the singing started with two blonde guys who were obviously friends. His hair was long and straightened which was weird but I figured his friends had talked him into it. He got up and gave the lesson and it was really good. When he finished I went up to sit by him but he took my hand and pulled me to the back of the auditorium. I had a sick feeling in my stomach all of a sudden and knew what he was doing. I asked him why and he said he didn’t really know but that he knew it was what he wanted. And he walked off. I needed a few moments to try to collect my thoughts and then I got angry. I searched the whole building til I found the class he was hiding in and I interrupted it to tell him I wanted to see him outside. His friends were nudging him and encouraging him to “stand strong” and pounding his fist. But I did catch a flicker of doubt in Joel before they started this. i finally caused enough of a scene for him to get up and come outside with me.

Once outside I told him he owed me an explanation. He said he didn’t know he just wanted out because I got in the way of things. I asked him what things. He said school, and kids, and joining the military. I was incredibly confused and asked, “kids?” And he said yeah, I want them while I’m in Grad school not after. (keep in mind none of this dream expresses any of Joel’s true views) I said,” and when you join the military is that before or after grad school and having kids?” it was all so crazy. I woke up.

I woke up and texted Joel asking if we were ok. This only served to confuse him and stress him out before his test.  I’m just going to hope he’s become accustomed to my kind of craziness and doesn’t get to irritated with it.

I thought that the fault was all mine, I just needed a little bit of time…

Cravens canceled our final so Joel and I went to see the Harry Potter flick to celebrate.

There was a massive lightening storm last night right on top of us. The whole campus woke up and Harding Academy got hit by it. I’ve never heard a noise like I did last night. I haven’t been afraid of a storm since I was a very small child.

Sheila scheduled me to work the entire day. Its short course week and we have some particularly needy patrons so I’m exhausted. That and I couldnt sleep during the storm last night. What makes it even more fun is that married preacher types feel the need to try to marry me off to their sons or friends, when all I want to do is scan their books and get back to writing my paper.

All of that to say: I know that you check this blog. I’m mad at you still. A lot. But sometimes like tonight, when I’m this tired and I hear your voice on itunes, It’s easier to see past that, and I really miss you.

Norton 3.0

Class is over and I’m back at work. I’ve spent the past three hours working on my floppy disk project. Doing impotant things like preserving Norton Antivirus 3.0 onto thumbdrives so that…important antiques aren’t destroyed? I’m not exactly sure why. The library here works on a save everything we might need it again someday basis. Which isn’t always bad, we have some neat bibles from the 1500s.

I dreamt I was leaving for College last night. This time to a state school out east. To get to the school, which was on an island, I had to sail. I showed up at the pier and got aboard an ancient looking sail boat. Crystal apparently would be steering it. My new roomies, Marisol, a girl, and a blonde headed guy who apparently owned the boat got on board too. The guy’s name was Winston and I never learned the name of the other girl because she was obnoxiously girly and spoiled. When we got out into the ocean Crystal shouted at me to untie various ropes aorund the boat that would unfurl the sails. I untied one too many and a corner of one sail came loose and started whipping aorund everywhere in the wind, but we were already going so fast that Crystal said not to worry about it.

I was sad when we got to school around dusk. I had really enjoyed the boat ride. Winston and I were friends and he said he’d take me sailing whenever I wanted. I got to school and went to a mixer that night. I ran into James and a new girl he was dating. Strangly I didn’t feel weird about it and I wasn’t even mad at him. I talked to his girlfriend for a while and she was really nice.

When it got late, I went to the house my roomies and I were renting. it was a small condo on the beach with four bedrooms and four baths. I spent some time trying to pick a bathroom, which was pointless because prissy girl had staked out hers and Marisol claimed the one I wanted and the third was really dark and creepy, but Winston said he’d take it and I could use the big one in the back. I think maybe it was his family’s house we were renting.

In spite of how well the day had gone for me, and how happy I was with the friends I was making, I found that I wanted to get away from everyone and more than anything I wanted to go sailing again and just be out on the ocean far away from school and everyone else. But Winston, I found out, had left for the weekend. I was immensely unhappy when I learned how long I’d have to wait to get out and then Dad showed up with Kara.

The three of us got in a small fishing boat and rowed to a very near, very small island surrounded by multi colored lillies. We got out at a small cottage and dad said it was where mimi lived and we ought to pick her a bouquet before going in. I got the feeling that Kara and I were much younger than college aged then; Dad was much taller. We picked an elaborate bouqet but I woke up before we entered the house.

Sex Therapy

I’m halfway through my intensive course and I really like it even if class does go all day. My teacher is really cool and class is pretty laid back. We’ve learned about hormone problems that effect fetuses. One that really surprised me is a hormone imbalance that causes male babies to be born with a shallow (false) vagina and a penis so small that it is mistaken for a large clitoris. So everyone just assumes the child is a girl until the guy hits puberty and the vagina goes away and the penis grows. The book was pretty optimistic about the psychological outcome of cases like this which I don’t understand. I think the child would find suddenly growing a penis a little upsetting.

I also found out that birth control wasn’t legal in the States til 1964 which might explain why I have so many uncles. But even then it was only legally prescribed to married couples. Single women couldn’t get birth control til 1978. I am continuously surprised by advances that I take for granted just because they’ve been around since I was born.

The downside of the short course is that I’m exhausted. I finally gave up today and started a caffeine regiment. I’ll fall asleep in class without it and once it wears off the chest pains will also serve to keep me awake so its a win-win. Joel will be here in two days and then vacation!

Dear Friend

I think it is good that we not speak to each other, but because I know you are wondering and because it really is how I feel: I am sorry for all those things I said. And yes, I miss you too.

Skeletons

I dreamt I was a boy about 8-10 years old and stuck in a fortress. I worked as some sort of servant most of the time but occasionally I was used to predict the future. Every once in a while I would have flashes of the future, but I couldn’t control it. The fortress was in the middle of a famine. Everything outside was brown and dry. It didn’t usually rain but it started one day and the minute the rain hit me I started seeing visions of horses and a blonde girl. Another worker saw me and reported it to my employers who took me into a weird part of the tower. I saw the blonde girl inside the room they took me to. I do not think she was a worker because she had a very nice dress on. Her name was Winnie. She had a lot of weird powers and they were trying to get her to focus my visions. I wouldn’t tell them what I was seeing. I hated the people who owned the fortress, they were cruel. Winnie didn’t seem to like them either.

The storm outside started getting a lot worse and the two men in the room had to leave  quite suddenly to go tend to some damage the storm was causing. They didn’t seem to know that Winnie disliked them.After they left, Winnie, who I knew had seen everything in my visions grabbed my hand and started running for the stables. When we got there, we picked to black horses. Winnie chose I mare and I chose its brother who was a lot taller.

The storm was only getting worse as we left the fortress but I still heard people riding after us, more for Winnie than me probably. I saw Winnie start pulling her hair out and tying it into knots. When she finished the last knot a huge river of water came flooding onto the plain we were riding across and it swept away the riders behind us.

After wards Winnie and I found a place in a forest (if you can call a bunch of dry dead trees a forest) to live. Shortly after a hunter came and lived with us. I spent most of my time riding my horse and Winnie ended up pregnant from the hunter. One day a long time later I rode my horse across an almost none existent creek. There was still some water in it and when my horse stomped into it it splashed up onto my foot.

I had a vision of the room in the tower. The two men were talking and in a chair in the corner of the room was a slumped figure covered with a veil. The two men were talking about killing Winnie. I wasn’t sure how they would do this since they didn’t know where we were. They moved towards the slumped figure int he chair and pulled the veil back draping it over the top of her head. It was a shriveled old skeleton, except that it still had paper thin flesh on it, but I was certain it was just petrified. I’d never seen something so old and dried out before. There were a few strands of blonde hair sticking out from under the veil but no eyes in the sockets. The kept calling the skeleton Winnie and their plan was to kill it in order to kill her. I still didn’t believe this could be done since there was nothing living about the skeleton. Then one of the men pulled the rest of the veil off of the skeleton exposing her brain which was still alive looking in a juicy kind of way. Her skull was missing. It was just an exposed brain. Then the other man picked up an awl and stabbed it into the brain. I saw blood start pouring over the skeletons face and more disturbing, the skeleton moaned and lifted its head up to look at me. Or that is the feeling I got even though the sockets were empty.

I jumped off my horse and started running back to the camp but in the process I landed in the creek and had a flash of riders coming and hunting us down. I saw them kill the hunter. I started running for Winnie and the camp but she met me halfway and fell off of her horse. I could tell the hunter must already be dead. She looked at me for a moment so that she could see my visions. I asked her if their plan would really work and she just smiled. She yanked some hair from her head and started tying it into knots again. Then she told me to get on her horse because there was no telling where mine was. I reached down to grab her hand and help her up but she jerked quite suddenly and blood started pouring out of the top of her head. I could hear the riders getting close to us. Winnie slumped onto the ground and then smiled. She tied the last knot and this time it looked like someone dumped an entire ocean on us. The water yanked me off my horse and carried me a very long way. When I finally was able to scramble onto dry land again. I was myself and a girl. Then I woke up.

China and Gasoline

I dreamt I was leaving Oakridge with Dad, Kara, And Jeremiah. It was summertime and dad stopped at the corner of beltway south at what looked like a massive street fair. It was night time and he said he wanted to stop by a party to talk to some guys. He pulled p by some bg white circus tents and we went inside tot he party. As soon as Dad got inside he told me that we’d be heading home soon and asked me to do a favor for him. He pulled out two concrete hollow balls and asked me to take them to the corner and fill the insides up with gasoline. I felt a little panicky because it made me think of my senior year when dad asked me to fill the car up in Tuscola and I couldn’t figure out how to work the old pumps at Lantrips because Kara and Shad had alays filled my car up for me. Dad was gone though before i could say anything so I turned and walked to the corner.

At the corner of Bletway under some more massive circus tents was row after row of really old gasoline pumps. Several people were there filling up their cars and it took me a little bit to find a more secluded pump. I couldn’t figure out how to work it. I saw Kara and Jeremaih both at one point but they were running through the pumps too quickly for me to ask them for help filling up my little make shift bombs. Finally I gave up and went back to find Dad only to see him puling out of the fair in the white pick-up. I found Kara then and she asked if I’d finished my job and I said no. She said dad had figured as much and had gone on ahead home and said we could come whenever. I felt slightly irritated at having to go home with a stranger but then Jeremiah pulled up in that old blue car he used to have. He and Kara mocked me the whole way home for not being able to use the gasoline pumps. (For the record, I think this makes me less of a delinquint than those two).

I was slightly aware I was dreaming at this point because of all the anachronisms. Jeremiah gave us a ride back to Tuscola, but when we got back to the house it looked strange. Mom had covered it all with a canvas tent and hung banners and prayer flags all over the place. You couldn’t even really tell there was a house underneath. Crystal came out of the house and I was surprised to see her. I thought she was supposed to be in Africa. I asked her where dad was because the concrete balls were getting heavy. She looked at me funny and said dad had moved out. I asked if any one knew where too but know one did. I set the concrete balls by what would have been the car port if not for the canvas flaps hanging over it.

We all went inside and mom said hi really quickly before rushing out to go work up at the high school. I went to the kitchen to get a drink but nothing came out of the faucet. Crystal told me that Mom had had the water shut off to save money. Crystal also said she was leaving in May to go to China and that she had at least gotten Mom to agree to run the air conditioner til then. In May after Crystal left, mom planned to knock out all of the walls and just live in the tent to save money on the heating and air bills. I decided I was probably going to leave in May with Crystal but I wasn’t sure where to go. Then I woke up.

Countdown

School is out in 8 days! I can’t wait. I’m actually excited about being in summer school just because it means new teachers. I’m taking Sex therapy and Group therapy this summer. I am 23 now (in case certain parental units have forgotten ) This April is the first April in 6 years that nothing bad has happened (knock on wood).

I teach English once a weak to Spanish speakers. Its been a lot of fun and recently I’ve gotten to know my class better. We get together once a week to read the Bible in English, though usually we just talk in English for over half of that time, until Jonathon peeks in on us (My students are all Christians so I don’t feel guilty about not trying to push the Bible at them more. Plus I think its easier to read another language than it is to speak it so its better that we practice speaking too). After class we go to the Cracker Barrel and then after that they have been teaching me to dance bachata (not the skanky version) and salsa. I look stupid doing both but its still a lot of fun. They offered to teach me lambada but I would look like a fool trying to move my hips like that so I keep saying no. My roomie says everyone in Mexico dances and if you can’t you are considered a loser. American society should set up social stigmas like that I think.

Memphis is starting to grow on me. I still don’t want to spend the rest of my life here, but there are a lot of interesting things to do. The picture I put on this post is of Corky’s barbeque. All the barbeque places here serve barbeque nachos which sound disgusting but are actually really good. This place has been visited by a lot of wierd celebrities and presidents. Joel is the blonde guy sitting next to me. Its kinda a wierd picture of him and not quite what he looks like really but it gives you an idea.

Random: Washington state did a study and found that 50% of people can’t interpret a weather forcast. If you tell them that there is a 20% chance of rain, they assume that it means it will rain on 20% of the geographical area or only 20% of the day. I think alot of weather forecsaters are going to  go hang themselves when they see that. Still, the statistic seems too high. I mean, I think Americans are generally dumb, but I had a little more faith in them than that.