Family Relationships
This is my electice for this semester. I took it because I hoped it would require very little work and for the most part that’s true. Today’s lecture was on Domestic Violence. It’s funny because I felt like quite the expert on it even before I came to school and yet I still wound up in an abusive relationship that I stayed in for 8 months. And even then, I wasn’t sure until today that it could really be termed that. I mean nothing that was done ever seemed that extreme. I guess that’s the scary part. Harding isn’t spared this problem. It’s actually more likely to happen in conservative situations than not and the guys will actually use scripture. I can’t tell you how I hate the words “respect” and “submit.”
“Maybe when you learn to respect me then I’ll stop…”
“If you had any respect for me then you wouldn’t…”
I actually remember thinking to myself that his jealousy was just proof of how much he loved me.
We were given several questionaires to fill out for our own notes so I sat in class filling this one out:
Questions to Ask in Identifying Abusive Behavior:
1.)Does your partner get jealous when you go out or talk to others?
2.) Does your partner constantly check up on you?
3.) Do you find your partner saying, “I can’t live without you?”
4.) Does your partner frighten or intimidate you?
5.) Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior?
6.) Do you fell like you have to justify everything to your partner?
7.) Does your partner try to impose restrictions on the way you dress or your appearance?
8.) Are you unable to disagree with him/her?
9.) Does your partner put you down but then tell you he loves you?
10.) Have you been held down, shoved, pushed, hit, kicked, or had things thrown at you by your partner?
11.) Does your partner make you choose between him or family and friends?
12.) Has your partner forced or intimidated you into having sex?
13.) Are you afraid to break up with your partner because you fear for your personal safety?
(basically if you can say yes to one or more of these questions then the relationship may be abusive.)
One or more? There is only one I can say no to. How could I not have been sure back then that it was abuse?I have only ever told two people everything that happened back then, Jack and L. Jack because he knows everything about me and L. because I needed him to understand how important it was for him to watch his back for a while ( my ex was always making threats about him.) I didn’t want anyone else to know what a complete idiot I was for staying so long. You tell people and they just want to know why you didn’t leave and you just want to slap them. It’s not that easy. And even when I ended it I grieved for the relationship. Try explaining that to people. It’s not that I wasn’t thankful for me freedom, I was, but the people most capable of hurting you are the ones who know you best and this guy knew me well. I missed him. And I felt ashamed for missing him.
Someone suggested, some months after, that I get on anti-depressants, saying that I had been depressed ever since the break-up and I can’t begin to explain my outrage. They had no idea what I had been through. I needed someone to explain who I was now and how I could think that most of what he did was normal. I needed someone to validate that it was wrong, but all I had to go off of was the fact that anytime a good guy took me out on a date I ended up throwing up in the restuarant bathroom and for once not because I wanted to.
It’s wierd to think of then and now. Jack won’t even play wrestle with me. He refuses to retaliate because he is afraid of even accidently hurting me. He doesn’t care that I hang out with L. and he even encourages it.
Well there’s my rant/ epiphany for the day.
I’m off to bed. I’m so sick of studying. Ask me when Shalmaneser the III ruled or when the Hysos reigned in Egypt or even when any of the prophets lived. I can tell you. Fortner’s turning us all into Bible nerds.
September 28, 2007 at 4:05 am
i use to worry about wrestling with you too. I didn’t want to hurt your frail figure. You and your bird bones. Plus you were sort of easy to pin. Not very sporting after a while….
September 30, 2007 at 9:00 pm
I worry about you too but for different reasons. As for the abusive relationships, I’ve talked with enough “survivors” to know it isn’t as easy as walking away and that the feelings that are imbedded within the relationship are deep with multiple roots.
Being I was the one who suggested the antidepressants, I would say they were a suggestion as a last ditch effort to pull out of the funk. I would’ve felt better if I could’ve put the ol’ chap into a permanent funk for you…
Oops, that was a selfish thought. Love ya kiddo.
October 14, 2007 at 12:03 am
I can so relate to you through my daughter’s experience. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years and in that time he had her so convinced that no-one else would have her because she was fat, ugly and stupid. If she tried to leave him he’d threaten to kill himself, so she stayed. She had 2 children to him and thought that by staying she would protect them. She eventually saw what he was like and moved to a different city to get away from him.
She has since married and had another child and is in a very happy place.
My website deals with family and relationships so please check it out at http://www.outstandingfamily.com